"How Do you 'Du'?"

And now, for a little discourse on one of the great challenges of returning to the German language...

For those non-German readers out there, German has both formal and informal versions of the word "you." For strangers, professional situations, and to show respect, the word "Sie" is used for "you." And for family, friends, *some* workplace colleagues, and apparently the gym (in Germany: "Sportstudio") and hair salon establishments, the word "Du" is used for "you." So theoretically, you simply apply the right word to the right situation and everything is easy-peasy after that.

Ha!

Of course, having lived in Germany before, I knew the challenges that awaited me.

Example #1. Squirm factor: very low. I know when you go into a gym - for instance to inquire about the monthly cost of joining said gym - you can freely use the word "Du." Relief. No challenge. Doesn't matter if they are strangers. "Du" is totally fine, especially if you throw in a few English words here and there to let them know you're a foreigner doing your best with their archaic language customs.

Example #2. Squirm factor: low. Yesterday, at the hair salon - one which I've never visited before, I had an appointment for a hair cut. Ok. The trick here is simply to wait and see. Rather than establishing the rules of engagement, you let the STYLIST do it. And this is (thankfully) almost always done right away unless the stylist is not sure what to do. She might say, "so, what have we here today?" (CHEATER!) But you can answer with "I want to cut off about 2 centimeters." Understood is that you want HER to cut off two centimeters. And on it goes. But generally...she just simply uses "Du" and there is no more tripping around.

Example #3. Squirm factor: low-medium. Landlords. The ones who live right underneath you who you see frequently on the stairs and in the nearby grocery store. Well, of course you start out with "Sie." (oh, and btw, they are older than you - they're the age of your parents. Showing respect is expected.) So when you introduce yourself and discuss contractual terms, etc., it is "Sie" all the way. But then there is this little problem. Because I refuse to be called "Frau Nathan" if I can avoid it at all. (People botch the name or stumble on it, and I simply hate being called by my last name, it makes me feel like I'm 90 years old.) So when the landlord/lady politely inquires, "What shall I call you?" I politely answered "Please call me Julie." Ooooh, major problems begin. Because what I'm doing is effectively offering "Du." (Du=use of first name and vice-versa.) And in Germany: 1) the "Du" form is offered by older people/people in "superior" positions TO younger people/people in inferior positions and not the other way around and 2) this is only done after you *really* *know* someone. But I don't care. I just bulldoze my way through. What's particularly amusing is that they still call Andreas by his last name. But we've ended up with a compromise which is fairly common: I am called "Julia" (almost everyone here Germanizes my name) and the Sie form is used.

Example #4. Squirm factor: medium. Let's say you're meeting with a former work colleague who you've known for years. You of course use "Du" when talking to him. You meet up with him at his place of work and then head off to get a cup of coffee. In the parking lot, on the way to the cafe, you run into one of his colleagues (this is at a new place of work, not where you used to work) who you don't know. Don't panic. Simply AVOID the word "you" as in the hairdresser example. One can get very very good at this. For instance, if in your little huddle, people start talking about weekend plans because it's Friday afternoon, you can ask the stranger what he's doing during the weekend by saying "So, what's up for this weekend?" while looking directly looking into his eyes rather than saying "So, what will you do this weekend?" The real challenge that I faced a few sentences later was "YOU" PLURAL. Yes. More language traps that can send you down the long dark hole. Because there is also a you plural FORMAL form. And what do you do when you want to say YOU PLURAL (like "what are your company's plans for expansion with these new business models?") and you generally refer to one guy as "Du" and with the other guy you don't know or you do know you should say "Sie?" Mind Boggling. I have no idea. Andreas says it depends on the situation. Which means you need to be a German equivalent of William Safire ("On Language," NYTIMES MAGAZINE) to know what to do.

Example #5. Squirm factor medium-high. You are making an appointment to meet with the former colleague in the example above. You are talking to his secretary. So, you don't know her (stranger factor="Sie"), but she's lower on the totem pole than the guy you call "Du" (call her "du?"), and she's probably younger than you (again, "du?") and it's a media company where everyone uses "Du" internally ("du?") but...it's about a job application (uh-oh: "SIE"). I went with "Sie." But then she called me "Du." (Totally incorrect.) What to do? Go with her bad manners or potentially embarrass her by sticking with "Sie?" I went with bad manners.

Example #6. Squirm factor: HIGH (squirming in seat just thinking about it). Someone contacts you online on a social/business networking website. They are a friend/contact of a friend/contact of yours. They are looking to hire. *They* write a message to you in German and use "Du." Ok, feels a bit odd, but the guy is German, so he must know what to do. So you APPLY for a position with this guy's team and then you wait to see what will happen. You figure, well, he was interested, so he'll definitely call to make an interview appointment. But then he doesn't call. So you decide, "what the hell, I'll call him." GULP. So 1) he used "Du" online ("Du?") 2) but...online is generally more informal than offline ("Sie?") 3) You don't know him ("Sie"?) 4) He's a friend of someone you call "Du" ("Du?") 5) It's about a job ("Sie?" 6) He's more senior than you in both age and potential position ("Sie?") 7) BUT HE USED "DU!" ("DU!!!) Vicious circle. I called and used "Du." Was totally totally weird and uncomfortable. Not sure what was correct. WHAT WAS CORRECT?????

Lesson learned - follow Golden Rule? "Du on to others as you would have others Du on to you."